Acceptance

Do you ever wonder, walking down the street, how many people you pass are really falling apart inside??  If you passed me on Monday, between Safeway and Rachel's, I was crumbling ... crawling ... clawing my way to get home.  Would you have noticed or realized, or are my acting talents sufficient that I could have fooled you?  Even though I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent woman, occasionally I make really dumb decisions.  Case in point, the decision to walk to Safeway on "Achy Monday"!!

When my head hit the pillow on Sunday evening, my nausea was at a minimum, and the anticipated aches had started to blanket my shoulders and travel up my neck -- expected, no surprise, I can handle this.  Two Tylenol helped minimally, and before long I was enjoying dreamland.  When my bladder insisted it was time for a washroom visit about 3 a.m., I was pleasantly surprised that the aches had pretty much stayed put and hadn't traveled to other parts of my anatomy.  By morning, I was far from 100%, but felt encouraged by the fact that my discomfort appeared to be considerably less than usual.

During chemo, it is recommended that you change things like your mascara and your toothbrush every month.  I figured this was an excellent excuse to make myself walk to Safeway (a mere 1.5 km away).  Part way there, I was questioning my decision-making ability as my legs quivered, my ribs pulsed, and my head split open.  Oh ... those nasty aches might be taking a bit longer to kick in this cycle, but I certainly hadn't averted them.   However, bent on running my errands (The "to do" list was in my pocket! I couldn't not check off the list!!), I soldiered on to Safeway.  Block-headed Efficient Yvonne!!  When the room started to spin slightly while I was checking out, I knew I was in trouble.  Did I call a cab? Did I phone Rachel to see if she could leave her coffee date?  Nope ... I crawled home.

The emotional and physical dreariness of the day gathered momentum as the hours went by.  I suppose it stands to reason that I'm at my worst, emotionally, when I'm suffering the greatest physical discomfort.  Kleenex did a killer business that day :)  I succumbed to the temptation to feel sorry for myself, and wallowed in self-pity and physical suffering for the remainder of the day.

Hindsight REALLY IS 20/20!!  As quickly as the next day, I realized that Days 3 and 4 each cycle WILL be achy and blue days.  I get it now.  I will expect it.  I will deal with it.  I will even let myself stay in bed all day, if necessary.

And, on those days, I will let the world spin of its own momentum, without my contribution.  I will hover at the remotest edge of my former life, knowing that tomorrow is another day and, usually, it's a less achy one!