Bad Timing

IF ...

you're ever going to accidentally find a lump in your breast in the shower, don't find it in September!!  It just sets you up for a domino-effect of very, bad timing.

Under normal circumstances, after having my surgery on December 7th, I should have had my pathology results approximately 7 - 10 agonizing days later.  However ... because of the holiday season -- my "bad timing" -- the wait time for pathology results grew to be an excruciating TWENTY-SEVEN days!!!

IF ...

you are waiting for pathology results from your mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy, maybe steal yourself away to a quiet, remote, secluded desert island for Christmas.  It's not the time to be surrounded by family and friends --- honest!!!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS ...

Joy, Yvonne, Esther making sugar cookies ... yum!!

The tree's all ready to go, but where's my Christmas spirit gone???

Any other year, the Christmas season is my absolute favourite.  I love remembering the birth of Jesus, the majestic carols, the explosion of colours on houses and trees, the frustration excitement of shopping in over-crowded malls for gifts to give to those I love.  I LOVE IT ALL!!!  However, I can say from the bottom of my heart that, for a range of reasons too complicated and varied to go into here, THIS WAS THE WORST CHRISTMAS OF MY LIFE!!!

I endeavoured, as best I could, to put the pathology results out of my over-filled, over-anxious mind ... it didn't work!!  Every meal I prepared, every game I played, every movie I watched, every fake smile I plastered on my face ... the nagging, incessant question at the forefront of my mind was an unbroken record, "What will the pathology report say?"  My brain throbbed with aching to know.  That piece of paper would dictate my treatment, my prognosis, the remainder of my life.

The Pathology Report Arrives ...

On January 3, my surgeon went over each intricate detail of the 5-page report with me.  I would later read every syllable over and over, looking up and researching unfamiliar terms, wanting to understand what had, and likely still was, living and growing inside me.  This disease had changed the fabric of who I am and would be, and I wanted to know my dance-partner intimately.  

My Dance Partner:

- Estrogen Receptor: Negative

- Progesterone Receptor: Negative

- HER-2: Negative

The word "negative" is what we all want to hear in test results, right?? WRONG!! - "Triple Negative" breast cancer is the most aggressive type of breast cancer to have.  My dancing partner doesn't like to waltz, he likes to jitter-bug!  This is the reason my chemo cycles are only spaced two weeks apart -- to try to kill off my new dance partner ASAP!!  Most other types of cancer are treated with a 3-week cycle.

More about my dance partner:

# of tumors: 5

Lesion #1:  2.5 x 1.9 x 2 cm ... aka ... BIG!

Lesion #2:  2.5 x 1.7 . 1.9 cm ...  aka ... BIG!

Lesions #3-5:  small babies having the same "architectural and cytological pattern" as #1 and 2.

These 5 lesions were located within a large and irregular white/gray area with gritty consistency ... aka ... my entire right breast was a mess!

Sentinel lymph node #1:  full to overflowing with cancer ... aka ... TROUBLE! The cancer had started to leave my breast and travel through my lymphatic system.

Sentinel nodes #2 and 3:  all clear ... aka ... YAY!

Margins: all clear ... aka ... lots of normal cells surrounding the yucky cancer parts, so all my breast skin could be saved ... YAY!

LESSON ...

Ignorance isn't bliss!  Even though all the news I received wasn't good news, I knew what I was dealing with.  I knew I would need more lymph nodes removed to have them tested, I knew what chemo would look like, but ... I KNEW!!  A lot of the unknowing, and uncertainty, was gone.  

I can jitter-bug better when I know who my partner is :)