Experiencing Chemo Fatigue

It is raining today. Well, that's a gigantic understatement -- it is POURING!!  As in, torrential downpour, monsoons, the sky is literally gushing vast amounts of water.  It is the kind of rain we don't experience in Ashcroft (a semi-arid desert), but, in Victoria, is quite common.

The weather today matches the mood, emotions, and physical predicament I found myself in yesterday.  Other than the nausea of cycle #1, I'm quite convinced it was THE WORST I have felt.  I did not sleep well two nights ago -- actually, I haven't slept well for three nights, now.  My night was filled with weird dreams, strange imaginings, heartburn, aches, and worry.  What a combination!!

After a Friday chemo session, Sunday always marks the start of more Neupogen injections.  It is somehow reassuring to be able to predict when aches and pains will commence -- Sunday night. Apparently, it's a good sign -- an indication that my bone marrow is busily creating new white blood cells. True to form, about 5 p.m. on Sunday, I began to feel the aches travel across my shoulders, up my neck, and across the back of my head.  While I fitfully tossed and turned, the dull, throbbing pain spread down my rib cage to my waist and up to the tip of my head.  I had an extremely hard time forcing my tired body out of bed in the morning and, as my feet hit the floor, they were NOT running!

After eating my new favourite breakfast -- oatmeal with a teaspoon of almond butter and a sprinkling of raisins -- I traipsed upstairs to shower and accomplish the dreaded injection.  You would think that after completing 8 days of injections for cycle 1 and again for cycle 2, it would be no sweat.  NOT TRUE!  I still feel like I can't completely exhale each morning until the shot is over with.

Apres injection, I did something I NEVER do; namely, lay back down in bed.  I COULD NOT GET UP!! Now, I don't mean it felt so wonderful lazing around in bed that I didn't want to get up.  I LITERALLY COULD NOT GET UP!!!  My brain willed my body to sit ... stand ... walk.  My body simply would not respond.

My brain processed the knowledge that I was experiencing chemo fatigue for the first time.  My mind demanded, "Don't give in!  Don't give in! Get up out of this bed!!"  I COULD NOT GET UP ... STILL!! What a frustrating experience to not be able to control my body. Eventually, I gave myself an ultimatum ... get up by the count of ten, or else ...  I didn't know "or else what??"  Counting up, "one" ... "four" ... "nine" ... my uncooperative corpse didn't budge.  "Ten!" ... nothing!

Although I did eventually will my body out of bed, I remained achy, tired, and lethargic the entire day.  My only accomplishment was two loads of laundry -- that's it!  From this "To Do List", "Over-Achiever" gal, that's just not acceptable.

Thankfully, today is a better day.  Raining -- yes -- but, the aches are gone and some energy has returned.  I'm experiencing a level of guilt for "giving in", but, after all, fatigue is a feeling -- and I let myself feel it.  I couldn't help it!