Learning to Feel my Feelings

As I start to write, it is 3 a.m. in my neck of the woods.  Not being able to sleep is another part of my new reality.  I've just taken 2 Gravol tablets, not because I'm nauseous, but because they make me drowsy.  Last night when I couldn't sleep, I eventually resorted to a Zopiclone -- a pretty little blue pill that sent me into an altered, sleep-filled world.  However, I wasn't back among the land of the living until 9:45 a.m., and felt groggy for half the day. Hence, Gravol tonight.

I FEEL ALONE!  Is there anyone else out there battling this disease who can relate?  This feeling has come and gone, faded in and out, over the last months.  I try to be honest,  try to allow myself to "feel my feelings" (something I haven't always been very good at).  I attempt to explain to those who care about me what having this disease is really like.   They try to understand, tell me "you're strong", try to sympathize.  But tonight, right now, I feel alone.  At the center of a whirlwind, I see the faces of my family and friends whizzing past me.  Spinning around, I reach out to them.  Their warped faces go in and out of focus, barely out of my grasp.  They have their own lives -- they're busily living out their reality -- going to school, teaching, going to work.  My fingertips brush theirs as we pass, but I can't quite grasp their hands.  Life as I knew it is at a standstill ... I'm alone.

I really don't mean to sound bizarre or depressed.  I'm neither of those things.  However, so many times over the past six months, I have said,"I'm fine", when I'm not; said, "I'm strong!" when I felt the furthest thing from strong; and said, "I'm going to kick cancer's butt!", when I really felt like crawling into a hole.  So ... I'm learning to be honest, and learning to feel my feelings.  A brand new friend recently told me that I don't always have to be strong for everyone else... so tonight, I'm not strong!

In the days and weeks following my mastectomy surgery, I experienced similar feelings.  I was working hard to get physically strong again, and I was amazed that I seemed to be making progress faster than the books I had read predicted.  But, my dear sweet husband started telling every well-wisher that called, "Yvonne's doing great!  She makes this look like a walk-in-the-park.". WHAT???? A walk in the park?  My breast is history!  I'm having a second surgery to remove more lymph nodes! I can't wear anything but a button-up shirt because I can't reach my hand over my head! I sleep in a chair!   Inside my head I was screaming, "How the **** would YOU know how I feel!!!!"  Don't tell ME how I'M feeling, thank you very much!!

That was rather a catastrophic moment for me. It made me realize that if I appeared strong, of course those around me would assume that's the truth. I wasn't allowing myself to feel my feelings, let alone share those true feelings with others.  My entire life, I've been an accommodator.  Everyone else, and everyone else's feelings are always more important than mine.  As a wife, a mom, and even a teacher, I was used to putting others and their feelings ahead of my own.  Imagine, at the ripe old age of 54, having to learn to feel my feelings AND be vulnerable enough to share those feelings -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- with others.

Guess you got "the bad" and some of "the ugly" today.  But, they're MY feelings, I'M feeling them, and I even shared them ... so proud of myself :)  Now, I'm hitting "Publish" before I change my mind ...