My New Normal

Tuesday was my travel day from Ashcroft back to Victoria.  When I dropped down the hill from the highway into Ashcroft last Wednesday, it genuinely felt like I was "coming home".  I had wondered (and worried) if I would have that feeling, since we have only lived there for 2-1/2 years.  Of course, Ashcroft is where my sweetheart was waiting for me, and I realize that "home" is people, not a place.  Many, many years ago I did a cross-stitch picture that said "A house is built by human hands; a home is built by human hearts."  I love that saying -- I wonder where that picture is??

Victoria is an amazing city!  From the historical architecture, to the vast seascapes, to the miles of winding, beach sidewalks, to the funky, eclectic antique stores ... amazing!  But ...Victoria isn't my home.  Having three of my five daughters in Victoria, helps immensely.  My physical needs are well looked after -- each night, I sleep lay my head down in a comfy bed in a warm room, I have plenty to eat (just ask my oncologist about that one -- I could have punched her!!), I can trek around the beach, and have lots of quiet time if I need it.  But somehow, it all feels so foreign.

While home, I had a burning desire to wrap myself in normalcy.  Mission NOT accomplished!!  I felt out of sorts, in the way, a nuisance, almost like nothing was familiar. Please understand these were MY feelings -- nobody else was making me feel that way (David treated me like a princess!)  However, I truly believe I don't have a "normal" anymore -- or at least, it's a "new normal".  One I'm not particularly fond of ...

What's not "normal" anymore ...

- Work:  I don't get to do that!  Haven't for 4 months; likely not for 6 more (crying actual tears here).  As Joy would say, "I miss it like a beaver would miss his two front teeth!"

- Exercise:  Even walking seems to be more effort these days.  My oncologist tells me this is "normal" as the drugs damage my heart, but I'm trying to keep it up.

- Sleep:  Almost an impossibility each night, unless drug-assisted, which I hate doing.

- Eating: I eat too much (except on nausea-filled Days 1, 2, and 3)!   Now, this is difficult, mentally, for someone who has counted calories most of her adult life.  But, I have to get that yucky, metallic taste out of my mouth somehow!!  Also, I figure I have bigger fish to fry these days, and losing the pounds I gain can wait for 6 months.

My "new normal" ...

- Waiting:  My life is one giant waiting game.  Initially, it was waiting for tests, scans, surgeries, and results.  Now, it's waiting for oncologist visits, blood work, and the next chemo cycle.  My life boils down to "putting in time" until the next appointment.

- Jealousy:  TRUE CONFESSION TIME!!  I'm jealous that my friends and family get to go to work, get to go to morning workout, get to go for a run, get to have a NORMAL LIFE!!!!

- Boredom:  One would think being able to do whatever you want all day, every day would be a dream life -- WRONG!!!  Truly, it's boring.  (Well, it might be exciting if funds were unlimited, I was sitting on a tropical beach in paradise, and didn't have to fight cancer.)  Likely, I should make myself get out there and do more, but that all takes effort -- something that isn't unlimited these days.

It's temporary!!

Life will return to "normal".  Work will resume (and I'll be whining about writing report cards again ... can't wait!!).  Boot camp and 6 a.m. workouts will help me get back in shape.  My hair will grow -- and maybe even be curly for the first time in my life. Cancer will go find another dancing partner (I so wish this wasn't true, but it smacks you in the face when you see all the precious people at the Cancer Agency.)  Then, my "new normal" will be back to my "old normal" -- a life I love very much, thank you :)