The "Big C" Stare Down, but Trusting Regardless

I have had a tremendously exciting week away in Alberta.  Every day was filled with fun activities and memory-making moments.  It was definitely one of THE MOST overwhelming, tiring, and mind-blowing weeks in my entire life!!

Now ... back to real life ... in Ashcroft ... with cancer.  Other than having to remember to cover my head so as not to embarrass people on my trip, and answer questions from some curious relatives, I almost forgot I had cancer for a whole, entire week.  Today, as I anticipate going to the oncologist and plastic surgeon tomorrow, and to Kelowna on Thursday, the "big C" is staring me down, nose-to-nose.

 

I DON'T like it -- I'm FREAKED OUT!!

During "life before cancer", I always seemed to have the ability to be an eternal optimist.  I still like to think that I live my life optimistically, but it's feeling extremely difficult these last few days as I anticipate getting my CT results.  Perhaps I'm an ostrich -- I'd rather just stick my head in the proverbial sand, cross my two ostrich toes, and hope for the best.  However, I keep telling myself that ignorance isn't always bliss.  Dr. Proctor said this is a "privilege" to get a chest CT at this early stage after treatment.  The liver CT is supposed to be reassurance that the lesion they saw in November is, in fact, a benign cavernous hemangioma -- a tangle of blood vessels -- something with no signs or symptoms and never needing treatment.  The chest CT is supposed to be reassurance that there is not, at this 7-month mark since diagnosis, any sign of regrowth of the cancer.  My rational, intelligent brain says that the chest CT is a tremendously good thing, instead of waiting for the 12-month mark or longer, but I so don't want to hear the words "The cancer is back".  Somehow, I think that not hearing it for 6 more months would be easier to take.  Call me crazy!!

Thankfully, I will have Esther at my side when I get the news tomorrow.  Bad or good, news is always easier to take with someone you love dearly close at hand.

Esther will also accompany me to Kelowna on Thursday for the radiation consultation.  Since I have already had one of these in Victoria, I am not nervous about that appointment at all.  Boy, the doc better come prepared with answers, though, because I have my written (no forgetting!) list of questions all ready.  Here's a few of them:
- Why radiation? If chemo is supposed to kill EVERY cancer cell floating out there in my body, why is radiation necessary?
- Apparently, if 10-15 lymph nodes were removed (for me, it was a total of 13), the chance of serious side effects from radiation may outweigh the benefits.  What are these serious side effects? Do these side effects outweigh the benefits in my case?
- 10-20% of women receiving radiation will benefit by avoiding regrowth.  Is this a high enough stat to outweigh the side effects in my case?

Now, don't get me wrong!  I'm NOT adverse to radiation if there is an obvious benefit, such as a significant reduction in the chance of cancer regrowth.  I'd be a crazy woman NOT to get radiation if that is the case.  However, I want to be an intelligent and informed patient, not just blindly accept whatever the radiation oncologist tells me.

Whatever the outcome of the CTs, whatever the outcome of the radiation consultation ...

I WILL trust and NOT be afraid!
       I WILL trust and NOT be afraid!
              I WILL trust and NOT be afraid!