Powering Through Tough Times

Over the last few weeks, I have really been struggling with the possibility of reoccurence.  Up until now, I have done my best to maintain a hugely positive attitude, never even considering the possibility that I might experience cancer rearing its ugly head again.  But, this disease is ruthless, selfish, deviant, and spellbinding. I was having a difficult time shaking the pessimism. Trying to put my finger on this newly-negative outlook, I wondered if it's because I had my mammogram, and am soon to have my liver CT and my first oncologist check-up. Bad news has been the outcome of these tests and screenings before! Also, it seems like many times a day, I get a twinge or pain and immediately assume the cancer's back.  Funny thing, though, is that I did not have ONE twinge or pain the first time around, so ... not quite sure where my reasoning (or lack of it) stems from. Over the weekend, my chest area and upper arm were quite painful (perhaps due to many tight hugs on Thanksgiving weekend!), and I'm very sure the area surrounding my tissue expander is swollen to twice it's "normal" size.  Why does my brain equate these things with having cancer again??

In a few short days ... November 4, to be exact ... I will celebrate remember the one-year anniversary of receiving my diagnosis.  Perhaps this plays a role in me thinking about getting yet another diagnosis.

Yesterday, I tried to reason with myself, arguing that I have a strong faith and I'd better smarten up and start trusting.  During morning workout today, I was doing an exercise where you lift a 10# medicine ball above your head and then, while squatting down, slam it into the floor as hard as possible.  Vicky, the coach, said, "Way to power through, Yvonne!"  A light bulb went on for me at that moment! I need to power through this negative attitude! Now, I'm not such a perfectionist (well, maybe) that I think a negative thought will never dance and skitter its way across my brain. However, I'm bound and determined to return to my former optimistic attitude.  My steps ARE NOT by accident, they are ordered -- each and every one of them!

I will power through, physically and emotionally!!