Tough Meat, New Breasts, and Bulge-Beating

As usual, I've started the last few nights' sleep before my head even hits the pillow -- long before -- usually while still "watching" television the inside of my eyelids in the living room. Joy will say to me, "Goodbye!", both to wake me up and get me headed to bed. The difficulty comes about 1 a.m. when I'm awoken by some unknown dream or outside influence (aka ... David), and the "off" switch on my brain seems to be malfunctioning. It's just as if my brain is chewing on tough meat. It won't swallow a thought, and it won't spit it out -- it just chews and chews.

One of the delicacies I'm chewing on is February 11th. It is approaching at lightning speed! The ominous date seemed to be in the very distant future until the last few days when, while looking at the calendar, I realized just how quickly January was ending and February was beginning. After only one more Monday to Friday of school, it will be time to gown up and get two state-of-the-art breasts. Admittedly, I have some apprehension going in to the surgery. One of my main concerns is the anesthetic -- desperately wanting something different than when I had my port removed and got so incredibly sick afterwards. Another mental burden is my recuperation. Relative to my mastectomy and tissue expander insertion, how will this surgery stack up?? -- pun, intended. I have made plans to fly to Trail to see my Mom, Dad, and sister, Maureen, on Day 4 after surgery. Thinking back to making the same trek the day after my port was put in and another 10 lymph nodes were removed, I felt relatively good. I'm crossing fingers, toes, arms, eyes, and legs that I'm doing as well this time around.

My chief rehabilitation therapist, Joy, is vacating the premises this Sunday so will be noticeably absent after my surgery. Hopefully, I will be able to motivate myself to get those range-of-motion exercises done several times a day without Joy and the big whip she carries.

Beat the Bulge continues to go very well, with this week's "no sugar added" challenge fairly easy to adhere to, other than having to make my own salad dressing. My 6 a.m. workouts helped me achieve the required three strength workouts, and I continued to walk 1+ miles every day. I was, however, disappointed with my lack of weight loss (a lousy 1.5 pounds) so I'm considering asking my plastic surgeon to slice a little extra off my butt and hips while I'm under! Or maybe some minor liposuction :) JK ... I'll do it the difficult, old-fashioned way for the sense of accomplishment. Next week is all about beverages -- 8 glasses of water, and only ONE caffeinated beverage each day. The coffee will be the hard part, as I thoroughly enjoy at least 3 cups on school days. At least I shouldn't experience a caffeine-withdrawal headache if I can still have one cup.

It's report card weekend around here, so I'll sneak in writing some cheery, motivating comments about my students in between walks and celebrating Chinese New Year.

Odds and Ends

Not anything earth-shattering to report this morning, but just a quick update about my goal progress. "Beat the Bulge" 40-Day Challenge is going fantastic! Well, maybe I should reserve judgement on that fact until I make the scary trek onto the scale on Monday morning to chart my progress. Here's how my week has looked ...
Days 1 - 5:  Eat gluten-free -- check!
                  Walk or run 1+ mile every day -- check!
                  Attend 3 workout classes -- check!
Day 6: Already made myself walk to the bank and back at 7 a.m. to get in my walk before heading off to Kamloops for a day of errands.

I did have to change my goal mid-week as I was becoming lackadaisical about the distance I walked or ran every day, smugly content with a mile and no more. Then, the realization struck me that I am simultaneously supposed to be getting ready to walk/run 10 km in April, necessitating a ramp-up of distance covered each day. Imagine my delight (I'm easily pleased!!) as I ran 8-1/2 laps of the gym during my students' 5-minute timed run yesterday morning. It was, actually, the first time I could (or made myself) keep running the entire time.

Unfortunately, week two's eating challenge has been changed from vegetarian to "no sugar added" - good-bye ketchup (yes, I like ketchup!), gluten-free cookies at the bakery, and tofurkey sausages (they have gluten AND glucose!). This week's eating has been surprisingly easy, except for the night Joy and David decided to devour perogies even though I couldn't eat them.  All this is sure good for my self-control! Bengal Spice tea has been my saving grace. I LOVE cinnamon, and drinking a cup of this tea is like eating a cinnamon bun to me -- but with zero calories!

One of my errands today is a haircut. Yes, it's now growing fast and furious and it's time to reign it back in today. As my hair has grown over the past weeks, it's become harder to de-curl it every morning. If I'm not mistaken, it is thicker than pre-chemo. My hope is that this is genuine thickness, not just feeling and appearing thicker because of curl.  Time will tell.

Checking my calendar last night, I realized I was mistaken that my "one year since chemo cycle #1" was fast approaching this week.  Turns out that monumental event didn't take place until February 8th. However, I was very likely packing for Victoria one year ago today.

Well, it's off to the excitement to be had in the thriving metropolis of Kamloops. Will write again post-scale on Monday :)

Gonna Run Til I Don't Jiggle

As I've stated before, I love to write. Over the past year, writing this blog has allowed me to express many thoughts, questions, and frustrations that otherwise would have tumbled over and over in my mind like yesterday's laundry. My strong desire is to continue to write this blog, however, I'm feeling like I'm no longer living up to its name. Particularly after February 11, my fight with breast cancer will be deferred to the back burner -- or is it ever really low priority?? My fear is that I will bore you with the humdrum of my daily life and many posts may not be about breast cancer -- just life as I know it. After experiencing a year such as this one, my gut tells me that cancer is now intricately woven into the fabric of who I am, and if I ever pulled on that one stray thread, everything may unravel. I'm not seeking approval to write about other things, just acknowledging that I realize if the subjects of my posts no longer interest you, you will bow out gracefully.

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My battle with my weight has been life long (I won't go into the gory details). My self-control seems to ebb and flow with the day, the tides, the moon cycle ... you name it! My intention was that as soon as I returned from Mexico, all the indulgent eating I had been doing would end, exercise would begin, and the jiggly bits of me would be no more. Ha! Not happening! Confirmation, once again, that I am a goal-driven person, and with no direct goal in the future, my determination got flushed.

Enter, Coach Trill, the leader of our morning workout classes, and inspiration for the entire town. Thank Heaven I'm on her email list, receiving notifications about all upcoming fitness events. Realizing that my January wasn't going in a pretty direction, I picked up on two events like they were neon-flashing lights. Next week, Vicky is starting a contest called "Beat the Bulge", a 40-day, points-earning, honour-system online challenge. Each day and each week have challenges - both fitness and dietary - and you submit how you did online to get your points total climbing. For example, you receive one point for each day you walk or run one mile (in addition to regular workout classes), or you receive 5 points for helping a neighbour with one hour of  physical yard work. Week one is "gluten free", week two "vegetarian", etc. Sign me up!

Also, Vicky is putting together a team for an April charity run in Kamloops called "Boogie the Bridge". Participants have their choice of walk/running 5 km, 10 km, or 21 km. Vicky is organizing training runs in Ashcroft, and even has a running workshop planned for a Saturday in early February to help us prepare. Yes, I've already registered! Realizing that my surgery is between now and April, I asked Vicky her opinion on whether or not I could be "ready". Her response was, "Well, you're fit now (what?!?), so if you get knocked back for a week or two, you will still have no problem being ready." If all else fails, I'll walk the 10 km I signed up for.

Since making the decision three days ago to try both events, my self-control has soared. I have a specific goal to work towards, I'm not just floundering in lala land knowing I should eat right and be fit. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Radiation Oncology Check-up ... Check!

This morning, while waiting to be picked up for a meeting, I was making a really good attempt at writing a creative and interesting blog post about my trip to Kelowna on Tuesday.  Imagine my disappointment this afternoon when I picked up my laptop to continue writing, and NOTHING had saved. UGH!!

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A Second Attempt ...
In my day-to-day life, I am NEVER alone.  I go to workout with a group, I work with students and staff all day, I come home and David's there, I walk with him, or with a friend -- I am NEVER alone! Therefore, on Tuesday, I was looking forward to a relaxing solo trip to Kelowna for a check-up with my radiation oncologist.  My travels were most enjoyable, other than the few annoying drivers who thought the moisture on the roads necessitated a traveling speed of 75 kph (it was +5 degrees Celsius).

I had purposefully left early to check out the January sales and spend a few dollars at my favourite Orchard Park Shopping Centre store -- Tommy Hilfiger. Frustrated after learning TH had closed down in December, I eagerly tried to spend some money in other stores, to no avail.

After arriving early at the Cancer Agency, I was overcome with a weird sense of "deja vu" as I wandered down the hallway, past my radiation room, and eventually settling into one of the many waiting rooms. Six weeks of radiation felt light years in the past, yet many fond memories jumped to the forefront of my mind.

Memories ...

Three pairs of people sat together, rifling through bright green folders labeled "New Patient Information". Sort of eavesdropping,  I overheard their questions, concerns, and curiosities. I didn't want to appear to be a know-it-all, so I kept my "expert" opinion to myself. The beginning of this journey seemed so long ago.

Finally, after a very long wait, it was my turn. Dr. C and I chatted like long-lost friends about Christmas, Mexico, and dying pets. Next, it was on to the medical stuff.  He read every word of all the reports from my numerous chest x-rays, CT scans, and mammogram. Apparently, Dr. C could have saved me (and my family) many days of stress because he said the "hazy" lungs spotted on my CT was scar tissue behind my tissue expander -- a normal and direct result of radiation.  It was comforting to get yet another professional's reassurance that all was normal and well with my many scans. He also assessed my range of motion, strength, and skin condition before giving me a thorough physical exam. Most impressive, according to Dr. C, is the fact that my heart and lungs appear to be in perfect condition -- a rarity after radiation, during which both organs can be quite severely affected.

Even though I learned I have to return one more time, in July, for a final check up (I thought this was my final check-up), I left elated that Dr. C was so impressed with my physical condition. Imagine, he even commented on me having all my hair back, calling me "pretty".

Way to make an old lady's day!!

Surgery - The Final Frontier

The much-anticipated call came from my plastic surgeon's office on Thursday.

Tuesday, February 11, I will have my FINAL surgery. The boulder that was surgically implanted on December 7, 2012 (aka "tissue expander") will finally be removed, my soft, pliable permanent implant put in, and my left breast will get a wee little lift -- hope Dr. M. has a crane handy to do the heavy lifting!! Actually, if you saw me topless (a very scary prospect that I hate subjecting even myself to in the mirror), you would marvel at just how lopsided two breasts can be.  It will be extremely exciting to finally have this surgery and feel back on an even keel again.

I'm not really sure what to expect after my surgery. Even though I have experienced major surgery to the chest area, I don't know where this surgery fits on the "discomfort" and "rehabilitation" scale. Dr. M. will be opening up my mastectomy scar, clear from right to left.  After having such a beautifully-healed scar, it seems a shame that it has to be cut open again, but I guess it does make sense to use the same incision site. However, there will be no incision in my armpit, as there was for my mastectomy to remove the sentinel lymph nodes.  I'm quite sure the armpit incision was what greatly hampered my range of motion, and necessitated most of the rehab. Then there's the lift part ... ???

While searching for a sketch to show you what Dr. M will do to achieve my "lift", I came upon this drawing of the structure of a normal breast.  This was kind of freaky for me to think about, but ...
I no longer have #'s 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7.  That's what my chief surgeon removed during the mastectomy.  When Dr. M. stepped in, he chiseled (yes, I read the OR report -- it actually says, "chiseled") #2 away from #1, to create the pocket that my tissue expander was placed in.  Now I understand why the inflations hurt so much -- that poor tissue was being forced further and further away from where it naturally wanted to be. After this surgery, my layers (starting from the outside) will be #8 (skin), #2 (muscle), new implant, #1 (rib cage). Voila! There you have it in a nutshell.



This image is very close to what Dr. M drew me about my lift procedure.  It looks like the scar will be minimal and, since it's mostly involving just skin, I'm anticipating a speedy recovery.


Definitely, the most impelling part of thinking about February 11 is that it's

THE END!!

No more treatments.

No more surgeries.

Just live life!!

Careful with Bathing Suits

Monday:
After two nights of interrupted sleep due to an overactive brain, I helped sleep arrive sooner last night with the help of a little blue pill.  For the first time in months, my alarm had to wake me up for 6 a.m. workout this morning.  Stretching that spandex over a ballooning body was no easy feat -- but, all the more reason to get up and get going.

It never ceases to amaze me how, by 10 minutes into the first day back after a school break, it feels as if the holiday never happened -- almost as if lazing on the sunny sands of Mazatlan was all a figment of my imagination. My students were the same -- learning was NOT on their radar screen, and my voice relaying information about literary devices and trigonometry was nails on a blackboard to their delicate ears.

Wednesday:
Getting dressed for morning workout today triggered a memory from Mexico that I wanted to pass along for your future reference.  It involves being a bathing beauty with a tissue expander. I already owned my "go to" bathing suit -- a lovely and expensive two piece suit that had lasted through vacations to Thailand, Vegas, and Mexico. However, as December, and our vacation, approached I felt a strong urge to buy a new bathing suit, even though I had a perfectly good one sitting in my dresser. What an exercise in frustration, as I searched for hours for just the right top that would minimize the lopsidedness of my chest and give me enough support on the "unexpanded" side. Eventually, I found just the ticket at Sears, and was thrilled with my purchase. I still threw in my old stand-by, knowing it would be a good thing to have two bathing suits along.

Preparing for our day trip to Stone Island, I put on my old suit with a beach cover-up over top. Just before we left our room, I happened to glance down and noticed a huge bump from a wad of fabric on my right side. It turns out that my new-and-improved tissue-expander breast would NOT stay put inside the bathing suit, but ... I have very, very little feeling on that side (it's kind of like when you thump on your cheek after getting freezing at the dentist) and didn't feel the suit slipping further and further down.  I considered wearing it anyways and putting my girls on high alert to be on the lookout in case my suit slipped down again.  But, wanting to be comfortable and relaxed, I changed my mind and ended up wearing my new suit every day. Since it seems like it's socially acceptable to show any amount of cleavage as long as there's no nipple (sorry men!!), maybe my bare "breast" would have never been noticed since I have no nipple to expose.

I haven't thrown out the old one -- maybe when my new softer implant is in, the old suit will fit me better again.  But, please write this note to yourself ...

NEVER, NEVER go on vacation without trying on your bathing suit first!

The Pink Bag Goes Traveling

On my brisk jaunt to school this morning to check on my readiness for tomorrow, I marveled at the power of the calendar's invisible arms that wipe away December, replacing it with a new year and a return to the reality of work. The two wondrous weeks of Christmas vacation were filled with family, food, and sunshine and I did NOT want them to come to an end.

The days leading up to Christmas were occupied with visiting, game playing, cookie decorating, and organizing. It was such fun to have three daughters in the house to share in my child-like excitement and love of the season.

As we pulled out of the driveway on December 26th, our car was a sausage, stuffed with five bodies and luggage galore. We were Mexico bound! I got this wacky notion of recording my vacation by taking snaps of my pink breast cancer tote bag ... aka "Pink". Most days, I remembered to capture the travels of the bag, but since Kate was our official family photographer, there were many times I forgot, too.

Here are some highlights of Pink's excursions in Mexico ...

David & I went out for Chinese food in Vancouver.

This was the message inside my fortune cookie.

December 27: Ready to leave our Vancouver hotel.

.... and waiting at the airport.

On the plane, at last!. Now, just 4.5 hours to get to the warmth and sunshine of Mazatlan.

Our resort, the Riu Emerald Bay, north of Mazatlan.

What a gorgeous place to spend the next 7 days.

I totally forgot to record Pink's excursion to Stone Island.

Here is Esther, Rachel, Stu, Kate, and Joy on the boat to the "island".

We all had an absolute blast this day!

Pink waiting for me to come back from the buffet with another plate loaded with food.

Pink and I enjoyed the tour of Old Mazatlan.

And, of course, there was lots of beach and pool time.

I could go on and on about the gloriously fantastic time I had in Mexico, but I'll leave you with those few images, and let you be green with envy.

Happy New Year 2014!