Three Sick Mexicans

All my life, I seem to have had an innate ability to continually self-scrutinize using the measuring stick of other people. Invariably, I come up short, which has jam-packed by soul and spirit with negative core beliefs including a feeling of never being good enough. I've also come to the realization that, as a result, I am always making excuses ... sometimes just to myself and, often, to others, craving their validation that I really am OK.

When I began RunClub, my daughter showed me an app called "Strava", where a person can record their walks, runs, and bike rides (it uses GPS to track your route), including split times and personal records you've set.  After a run or bike, if my time/kilometer wasn't what I had hoped, I would title the activity with an excuse -- For example, "Man was it windy today", "Just didn't have it!", or "High Alberta altitude". Why can't I just be proud of what I accomplished??

Last week, a few minutes after our morning workout started with Vicky, her cell phone rang. A fellow-exerciser and owner of a local farm, texted that he had "3 sick Mexicans" and wouldn't be at workout that morning. For him, it's an extremely legitimate reason to not be at workout, but I chuckled out loud because of my recent ah-haa moment about my own battle with excuses.

A reality-TV junkie, one of my favourite shows is The Biggest Loser. On last week's episode, one of the trainers told a contestant, "Tell your mind to get out of your body's way!" This really struck home with me since it is my mind that creates these convoluted excuses -- either as an escape mechanism to NOT complete a workout, or afterwards to justify a less-than-perfect performance.

Recently, when I celebrated my 56th birthday, my daughter, Esther, gave me a beautiful painting she created. Tears streamed down my face as I read the saying she chose to capture the essence of how she sees me.

If my precious daughter, Esther, believes this to be true of her mother, then her mother better start believing it herself!!

For several months now, I have been doing personal work with a counselor to begin chipping away at my negative core beliefs, and replacing them with positive core beliefs so I'm no longer making excuses or requiring external validation for my self-worth. It sure is a process though, but one I'm willing to continue working on.

Run for the Cure

I'm running for ME!!!

and

I'm running for YOU!!!

Yes, that invigorating, motivating day is fast approaching again... Sunday, October 5th is "Run for the Cure" day.

I'm not feeling quite as mentally or physically prepared as I was last year, but I still have 8 days to get there. So much for my dreams and plans to have a HUGE team this year, to feel more part of the pink-party, celebratory atmosphere that pervades Riverside Park in Kamloops. My sister, Maureen, is unable to make it this year, so it's daughter, Esther, and I that will be donned in pink duds and ready to walk/run our way around the 5 km course.

I've done an abysmal job at fundraising, as well. Here I am at the 11th hour, calling on my blog friends (aka ... you!!) to donate to the cause online. Here's a link if you're interested in donating CIBC Run for the Cure. Simply click on the dark purple "DONATE" box and search for my name (Yvonne Eaglestone). Every dollar is greatly appreciated!!! 

I thought I'd pass along a bit of information about the success of last year's run and what the foundation does with the funds raised ...

"Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure is Canada's largest single-day, volunteer-led event dedicated to raising funds for breast cancer research, education, and awareness programs. Founded by a small group of volunteers, its purpose has been to raise awareness and funds for the breast cancer cause. Since its inception, the CIBC Run for the Cure has made great strides in expanding its reach and impact, while remaining true to its grassroots and volunteer founders’ vision.


In 66 communities across Canada, 130,000 participants gathered for the 2013 Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure to help raise $27 million for the breast cancer cause. Dollars raised through the CIBC Run for the Cure help fund innovative research, health education, and advocacy programs that aim to reduce the incidence and mortality rates of breast cancer and help support women and their families who have experienced the disease. Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation is extremely grateful for this support and is honoured to be entrusted by the nation to continue to lead the way towards our vision of creating a future without breast cancer."

I'm wanting to continue doing my part to ensure a future without breast cancer ... for everyone!

I Can Smell Routine Just Around the Corner

I simply could NOT contain my excitement when I woke up on Tuesday morning to the welcome news that the B.C. teachers had reached a tentative agreement with the government! I happened to be visiting in Smithers -- a whirlwind trip that covered exactly 39 hours, counting 19 hours of driving, from my door, back to my door. While there, I was hanging out with a friend who is a fellow teacher. Needless to say, we were listening to the news constantly, anxious for an encouraging update saying we would soon have a pay cheque again.

In no way do I intend for this to be a "pro-union" or "anti-government" blog, so will refrain from expressing my personal opinion on the entire matter. The sparse details are that the teachers had begun rotating strikes mid-May, went to full withdrawal of services mid-June, and here we are in mid-September still doing our 4 daily hours of picket duty. UGH!!!! I just want to teach kids!

September is like New Years for me. It's the "fresh start", "back to routine", "jump into another school year with both feet" kind of time. Likely due to my A-type personality -- I thrive on routine!  Now, don't get me wrong. I also cherish summer vacation -- the boundless freedom of sleeping in (ya right!), traveling where I want, when I want, and increased opportunities to see family and friends. However, about mid-August, my brain cells do an about-face, intrinsically focusing on school, planning subjects, and arranging classrooms.

It's now 7:45 p.m., and the union vote results are expected in the next few hours. I'm anticipating a reluctant "yes" vote, which would send teachers back to classrooms tomorrow, with students following suit on Monday. 

I will be thankful to return to routine, to structure, to the familiar. 

On Monday morning, I will ...

and, yes, there will be many cups of java required as well :)

So ... about those lumps and bumps

W-a-a-a-a-y back on July 1, I wrote about two different "lumps" my oncologists were concerned about.  Well, the story of these two sets of lumps mushroomed into an entire summer saga.

First, the simpler story of the small, soft lumps on my forearms, back, and under my ribs. Initially, I had shown these new growths to Dr. C., my radiation oncologist, in Kelowna. Suspecting they were "lipomas", he wanted a biopsy of one on my forearm to confirm. The next day, the oncologist in Kamloops suggested removing an entire lump and having pathology done on it "just to be sure". While waiting for the phone to ring about an appointment with my initial surgeon, Dr. L-S, I lost count of the number of phone calls from Kelowna and Kamloops Cancer Agencies wondering why they didn't have results from either a biopsy or lump removal procedure. Am I supposed to be the go-between here? Seems to me that with modern computer technology, those sites should have been communicating with each other to get the scoop on what was happening. Apparently, no one bothered to inform Dr. C's office that I was no longer getting a biopsy done and I kept getting scolding voice mails to quit avoiding the hospital's calls and get the biopsy completed. Eventually, I saw Dr. L-S in late August when she confirmed (by physical examination only) that all of these new lumps are indeed fatty cysts called lipomas -- non-cancerous, nothing to worry about, just annoying lumps. If you are interested in self-diagnosing any lipomas, here is some more info. Lipoma Information

Second, the more complicated story of the lump by my mastectomy scar. Relatively speaking, the system moved FAST on this lump, which sets a cancer survivor's mind a-racing!

July 18th arrived -- the day of my ultrasound.  Now, an ultrasound is no big deal -- no scary tube to be maneuvered into, no Ativan to hide under the tongue for relaxation. It's merely some mucky goop on the skin, a "wand", and a computer screen. Once the ultrasound technician had clicked away taking pictures of the suspect area, she left the room to make sure the computer images were readable. While she was gone, I decided to be a non-compliant patient and sit up to check out what was on the screen. She had not one, but two, lesions listed beside the image, as well as measurements for each one. TWO LESIONS!!! I knew from past experience that "lesions" was NOT a word I wanted to hear. Laying back down, my thoughts started racing. The brain is an amazing, intricately-designed machine; however, it can also be a relentless, untameable beast. The latter was the case while I lay on the ultrasound table waiting for the tech to return to the room. Launching myself directly to "worst case scenario", I had both of the lesions being cancerous tumors. As tears rolled slowly out of the corner of my eyes and directly into my ears, a myriad of questions raced across my thoughts. How would I tell my girls my breast cancer had returned? Would I opt for chemo again or try medical marijuana or juicing? Would I need to have a ray-stay in Kelowna for more radiation treatments? All these fears and questions were compounded by the fact that when the tech returned she was followed closely by the radiologist! This is NEVER a good sign!!

The radiologist took over as wand-operator and located the "lesions" on the computer screen. Puzzled, he admitted he did not know what he was looking at ... "Could be scar tissue. Could be a blood vessel, could be ..., could be ..." Reassuring me these lesions did not have cancerous characteristics, he advised me that Dr. P would get a full report, but he was quite sure they were nothing to worry about.

On July 30th, when I arrived at Dr. P's office, I learned an MRI had been ordered to try to determine what these lesions actually were. HATE, HATE, HATE MRI's!!! Ativan definitely required! I endured the metal coffin on August 26th, and arrived at my surgeon's office later in the day to learn that, according to the radiologist's calculations, the lesions were thickened scar tissue and were nothing to worry about.

RELIEF!!!

Being caught in the whirlwind of constant phone calls, scans, MRI's, and doctor appointments had me teetering on the edge for several weeks through July and August. Feeling like I had been transported back to my post-diagnosis days, I found myself crying constantly, overwhelmed, and confused. Thank you to those of you who stood by me during this stressful time, reassuring me with undying support and love.

I'm definitely praying that every 6-month check-up does NOT  hold this much excitement ... or fear!!

"Feed your faith, and your fears will starve to death."

                                                                                                                        Author Unknown

Autumn

Cool crispness hangs in the morning air,
Tinges of yellow appear on poplar leaves,
Juicy melons are harvested from farmers' fields ...

it's autumn!

Where did that summer go??

I do realize that I've been noticeably absent for the past many months. However, I will not apologize, I will simply explain that there was so much life happening that writing my blog wasn't even a tiny "blip" on my radar screen.

Some weeks it was visiting family in Alberta, some weeks it was camping with no electricity or internet, some weeks it was treasuring the sound of my children's laughter and enjoying ALL FOUR of my daughters being together in my home and at my dad's 92nd birthday party.

It is only now, starting to let my fingers dance across this keyboard and letting my thoughts change gears to my cancer fight (I DO have some updates to tell you about), that I realize, "I have missed writing my blog!"

Well, I'm back ...